Imagine you're so excited that it's hard to breathe. You put your hand on your chest and tell your heart to slow down. You worked hard; the long hours of studying paid off. You were able to complete the examination sooner than you thought. As a matter of fact, you were the first one finished. It felt good to look back as you were walking out the door and know you finally made it. It's been two weeks, and they'll be posting the grades soon. It was hard to sleep last night, but you managed to get a couple of hours of sleep. There's no stopping you now. Once you get your official grades, then you can apply for grad school and the internship at the college. Mrs. Jones appears around the corner with paper in hand. A crowd is gathering; they're looking for the same thing you are. Mrs. Jones opens the locked glass cabinet and posts the grades, re-locks the cabinet, and walks away. She doesn't even make a sound; you watch her walk away. You're scared; you can't get out of your seat. What if . . . No! . . . You won't doubt Him now; You've worked too hard. Slowly you walk up to the board; where's your name? Oh, there it is. Wait a minute. . . This can't be. . . A 69 ?. . . That's impossible!. . . You can't move. . . But you worked so hard! . . . Nothing has ever worked out right for you. What's the point? You're never going to be good enough. You worked so hard, and it was all for nothing.
What has life taught you? That if you work hard enough, are good enough, things will turn out the way you planned? Believe it or not, depending on your home, school, and work environment, Dyslexia has a way of invading and shaping how you view life. Dyslexia can leave you questioning your worth and value. The amount of effort and energy that goes into learning for the person that has Dyslexia is incredible. And you're always (if you haven't given up) struggling to believe that this time things will turn out differently, this time you'll make the grade, this time you will be important enough for someone to keep their promise. You're always seeking some type of validation that you matter, although you struggle with reading. What's driving all of this? Fear. . . fear. . . and more fear!
Fear is such a small word (only four letters), but it can maneuver such control over your life. It will drive you to question God's care for you and stop you from accomplishing so many things. Fear can hold you captive, and it can take years to break its hold. Fear will talk you out of fulfilling your dreams and into dreading your future. My attitude toward being dyslexic was this - Dyslexia does not feel good, it does not look good, and I certainly do not look forward to experiencing episodes of uncertainty about how to spell or pronounce a word, knowing that these episodes will come when I least expect them.
There were days when it was hard to get past the question, 'why?' I used to get stuck there and needed to understand why God was allowing me to experience such pain over not being able to read. When I started working on my doctoral degree eight years ago, I thought seriously about quitting, because the demand for writing and reading often shook the foundation of my faith. Things began to change when I started asking different questions. For instance, 'what are You teaching me, Lord, by allowing this trial in my life?' Or, 'what can I do while going through this trial that will bring me closer to You?'
I have found most often that my fears surrounded my future. I used to wonder, 'what could I accomplish, what could I offer?' Then God reminded me of the Apostle Paul, who wrote: “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
It is generally believed that Paul had a disability; his eyesight was failing him. After earnestly petitioning the Lord three times to restore his failing sight, the Lord made it clear to Paul that his disability would remain. We may sometimes forget that Paul was human and had human needs, emotions, and attitudes. He knew that God had the power to give him what he wanted, but Paul was to also learn that often God leaves us where we are physically, so that He can teach us lessons in humility. Maybe He needs to deepen our trust and dependence on Him or strengthen our resolve to trust Him when what He has allowed seems so senseless.
I, too, asked the Lord to remove my learning disability; I was ashamed and felt that I had suffered enough. That it would be a hindrance to anything, I wanted to accomplish. If you follow Paul's story, he learned that sometimes God heals and removes physical infirmities, and sometimes He doesn't. One of the most precious lessons I learned from Paul's experience was that God would supply me with enough grace to raise me above my infirmities even if reading and spell remained hard for me.
Before looking at grace through the eyes of Paul's disability, I felt detached from its meaning, as if something was lacking. It was through my study of the letter Paul wrote to the church in Rome that I finally understood. God's grace is His power to not only save me but transform me into the likeness of His Son. Did you know that God's grace is so powerful that it can keep you from sinning? His grace is so awesome that through it, neither you nor I have to worry or fear about what tomorrow holds. God's grace is so sufficient that Paul learned through his infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecution and distresses that God was so much more and that He could take what Paul considered hindrances to his ministry and use them as stepping stones to reach a dying world.
Is fear a constant companion? Do you fear your future, doubt that your dream of becoming a doctor, teacher, etc, will not come true? Well, there is good news; Jesus has promised to remain constant in your life, and if He has a dream for you, it will happen. However, it starts with a choice to believe that He is faithful. God's Word proclaims:
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about (Psalm 3:6).
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid (Psalm 27:1)?
What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee (Psalm 56:3).
In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me (Psalm 56:11).
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day (Psalm 91:5).
When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet (Proverbs 3:24).
Researchers, educators, and clinicians are now starting to look beyond how Dyslexia affects a person's ability to read, write, and spell. Many are now looking seriously at how a person with Dyslexia is emotionally and socially dealing with this disability. In an article written by Dr. Michael Ryan, he discovered that many children experience a host of emotional and social difficulties and are manifesting them in a variety of ways - anger, depression, anxiety, fear, inferiority complex, low self-worth, immature behavior, difficulty reading social cues, and insensitivity to others.
Dr. Ryan (2004) also shares that many of these emotions increase because Dyslexia can be inconsistent. In other words, a person with Dyslexia cannot determine or anticipate when specific skills will be required. For example, a person with Dyslexia may join a group discussion and be asked to read or write; this will generally produce extreme anxiety or any number of other emotional responses.
Unless these responses are resolved, they will be carried into adulthood. Some everyday social and emotional struggles adults often deal with are:
Anxiety
Low self-worth
Think and believe lies about their abilities
Think that something is wrong with them
Fear of failing
Dislike school/learning certain skills
Dislike certain classes or instructors
Easily hurt and embarrassed
Feel alone
Isolation
Feel insecure
Part of my journey towards healing was to recognize that I wasn't alone. My thoughts and belief about Dyslexia created a form of isolation because I didn't want people to know that I was illiterate. It wasn't until I started sharing with people that I had a learning disability that I began to take back the power it had over me.
Paul wrote to the church in Rome, he shared with the believers that Christ's death would enable them to go beyond simply living and surviving no matter the struggles or hardships they would face. Listen to what he said to them. As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us (Romans 8:36, 37). The Apostle John wrote, The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth His life for the sheep (John 10:10). Can you hear the love and conviction in Paul and John? They believed that through Christ, life can be lived victoriously. Paul goes on to further share, But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9).
It's all right to ask God what plans He has for you and how they will move you into a place of healing. Since His intended purpose is for you to live an abundant life, then there's a plan to make it happen; no one's disability will alter that plan.
God never said that you would not emotionally or physically react to life's struggles; He said that when you do, He would comfort you, love you, and at times even carry you through. Make a decision to believe that He can help you through what you're feeling and believing right now. It's a decision only you can make.
The following is an excerpt from an article written by Patty McGill-Smith entitled You Are Not Alone:
When parents learn about any difficulty or problem in their child's development, this information comes as a tremendous blow. The day my child was diagnosed as having a handicap, I was devastated--and so confused that I recall little else about those first days other than the heartbreak. Another parent described this event as a "black sack" being pulled down over her head, blocking her ability to hear, see, and think in normal ways. Another parent described the trauma as "having a knife stuck" in her heart. Perhaps these descriptions seem a bit dramatic, yet it has been my experience that they may not sufficiently describe the many emotions that flood parents' minds and hearts when they receive any bad news about their child (Smith, 2004).
And she is right. You are not alone; admitting that probably will be the biggest step you will need to take towards your own healing. Yes, you might as well admit it; your heart hurts and you're disappointed because things did not turn out the way you planned. At times you feel helpless in the face of the road that lies ahead of you, and you wonder if you will survive it. The answer to that question is yes.
You can rise above your circumstances and live again, for He has bidden us to rise: Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the LORD is risen upon thee (Isaiah 60:1). God doesn't want you to simply survive; the Word of God doesn't teach that. He wants you to be more than a conqueror and live an abundant life through Him - others have survived, and so will you.
References:
Ryan, Michael (2004) International Dyslexia Association (IDA) http://www.interdys.org
Smith, Patty McGill (2004). You Are Not Alone. Website: http://nncf.unl.edu/family/sharing/nncf.go.notalone.html.
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